Look, we are all aware there are some people out there who are just plain ol’ jerks. I’m sure as you read that sentence someone popped into your head, thus solidifying your true feelings for that person. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt 99% of the time, I truly do. But there are just some actions that we as a society do not let slide. I’m not saying that if you’re guilty of any of the actions below that you are an awful human being incapable of being loved. But on first glance, you need to know (because we can only assume you are unaware of your actions) that you’re more or less coming off as an asshole because of this. Continue reading
Honorable Mention: Being a Youth Hipster*
This group of yuppies is still growing and finding themselves, so I’m hoping these mini Jeff Goldblums will grow out it. However, next time you see a group of 10 year olds ordering espressos at a Starbucks, I guarantee you think they’re going to grow up and be insufferable (or at least their parents already are).
*Can’t bring myself to call the youth complete assholes considering my friends and I used to average 6 sprays of cologne on the weekends when we were in the 6th grade.
Honorable Mention: Sitting on the Same Side of the Booth**
What are trying to prove? What is the benefit to this atrocity? Why would you chose to keep your neck tuned 90 degrees to communicate with the person you’re eating with? WHY!? It’s weird and unnecessary. Tables and booths are crafted with the purpose of being able to look directly at your company from across the table. However, this (reprehensible) act is technically out of love and admiration for your company, so calling these people assholes would really just make me an asshole. That is why it is in the “Honorable Mention” category. I’ll leave it to Seinfeld, season 7, episode 6 to paint a better picture.
GEORGE: Yes. Well — So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh?
JERRY: Yeah. That’s right. You got a problem?
GEORGE: I, uh, just think it’s a little unusual. Two people to sit on one side…and leave the other side empty.
**If you are watching a game at a bar or something, that does not count. You’re not an asshole, you’re efficient.
NOW ONTO THE TOP 8 COUNTDOWN
8. Walking Incredibly Slow in Public
3 seconds is basically nothing. Until it’s everything! When walking at a pace well below your usual SPM (strides per minute), stuck behind a “middle of the side-walker” who is listening to their music, oblivious to anything around them, it is beyond “nails on a chalk board.” When they do happen to notice you and finally let you move past them, everyone does the same thing: a painful, no teeth, 1/2 grin trying to show as if you’re not furious (because realistically it’s not a big deal) as you nod 3 times rapidly, muttering under your own breath.
7. Not Thanking Your Door-Holder
Oh, here let me hold this door open for you as I have entered the building first. Yes, I’ll delay my day a few extra seconds so you aren’t burdened by the whole “is it a pusher or puller” dilemma we’ve all come to endure while entering new locations.
(Person walks through door)
There you go, walk through the opening I’ve made for you as I smile and nod. You’re welcome. Wait, what….No recognition to me holding the door? OK. Well, f@%^ you then.
6. Wearing Ed Hardy/Affliction Shirts
Unless you are walking in to or out of the ring of an MMA fight, these shirts should not be worn. The saying “never judge a book by it’s cover” is something I really hold dear. However, if the book cover is a cross between an LSD trip and Justin Bieber graffiti art, then I’m sorry, but the mind assumes asshole. Two other things of note:
Jon Gosselin became the unofficial spokesman which has made Ed Hardy/Affliction shirt wearers fight an uphill battle.
They cost like $50/shirt.
Side-bar: Ed Hardy and Affliction shirts are “graphic T’s”. T-shirts that have sports team logos or other related content on them are just “T-shirts”. Solid color tees are “plain/solid color T’s.” Someone (who will remain nameless) once described me as a person that wears graphic tees because of my abundance of random professional sports team shirts I own. That was one of the angriest days of my life.
5. Taking Funeral Selfies
This is a thing. Here is an amazing Tumbler dedicated to solely Selfies at Funerals.
4. Grunting Excessively at a Public Gym
There have been countless lists out there about the type of people in a gym, and realistically none of them really bug me except the gym grunter. I’m more meat head than non-meat head (only a meat head would write such a poorly constructed description) and even I’m irked by these people. Like I said, benefit of the doubt 99% of the time, but public gym grunters are that 1% that I know outside of the gym are just as self-unaware as they are inside of it.
3. Not Giving a “Thank You Wave / Acknowledgment”
This offense falls under the same heading as #7: Not Thanking Your Door Holder. However, this is held to a much higher standard due to the dangerous nature of operating an automobile. Plus, humans should just know better and be more considerate.
Oh, hey buddy leaving the gas station at an extremely busy 4 way stop during rush hour, I see you are trying to make a left, thus already causing trouble. Here, let me do my best and give you an extra set of eyes and wave you through even though I lawfully do not have to, and I am well aware that the 9-5ers behind me are only getting furious about it.
(Car has made it out)
Ok, great, you made it! Let me just give you a nod of acknowledgement as I wait to know it was all worth it by receiving your rebutted acknowledgement….Buddy? Buddy!? DUDE, WHERE THE HELL IS MY THANK YOU WAVE!? D%#^head!
2. Riding a Bike & Ignoring All Street Laws
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhcGpGp9hBc I lived in Chicago for a while. I rode my bikes (plural not because I was rich, but because bikes get stolen there a lot) many times. I stopped at red lights and stop signs. I obeyed the law. I do the same thing out here in L.A. when I occasionally ride the $85 road thrasher I have. Unfortunately, I was and am in the very small minority of bike riders that do this. I also drive a car and watch bike riders zip their way past 4 way stops causing cars to narrowly miss them as the bike rider is one of two things:
- A. Oblivious (see #8 above)
- B. Full of hipster rage as they yell at the cars like they were in the wrong.
1. “Suffering” from Affluenza
For those of you who don’t know…
Affluenza: a condition that affects children from wealthy families who have a sense of entitlement and make bad decisions.
Translation: right and wrong does not apply to rich kids. For more on affluenza, read this disgusting story.
There it is ladies and gentleman. If we can all agree to not do any of the things you just read about, the world will be a much better place! So in closing, I leave you with a line from the song Joseph Smith American Moses (from The Book of Mormon).
“Compassion. Courtesy. Let’s be really fucking polite to everyone!”
Until next time…
Post by Anthony F. – Twitter - firstname.lastname@example.org
Originally from Akron, OH, Anthony Fanelli is an actor, writer, producer and comedian who’s credits include NCIS: Los Angeles (TV), How Superman Defeated the KKK (TV), My Haunted House (TV), Black Water Vampire (film), Kidney & Apple (film), Spare Change (film), Little Knockers (Funny or Die Exclusive Series), The Next Steps (Funny or Die Featured Series), United Airlines, Chase Bank, Philips Norelco, among much more. He has written and/or starred in over 150 live comedy shows (one-man shows, news parodies, improv, sketch). For more information, please visit his links: Professional Site, Funny or Die Page, IMDB, YouTube, FULL RESUME