It’s fair to say people go on diets to get sexier. Duh, your heart and longevity for your loved ones and blahblahBLAH but really looking and feeling better should result in a little more tail in your tank. Some sting in your thing. Some yeast in your beast; oh wait no, disgusting. Not that one. Disregard.
So which diet is the SEXIEST? This may seem like an asinine question and absolutely irrelevant to their effectiveness…but c’mon…You’ve never looked at the top diet crazes and thought, “Gosh, that seems like a viable way to improve physical health but more importantly, what’s it like to bang it?”
(A strictly balanced ratio of calorie sources)
Good luck finding edible lube comprised of 40% carbs/30%fats/30% protein.
(Juice fast comprised of cayenne pepper, lemons and maple syrup)
AKA The Lemonade Diet; I can say from experience that after a few days the cayenne pepper starts emanating from your pores, like making love to a spicy chili. But the real eroticism comes from those daily salt water enemas.
(Assigns point value to food, regimenting a certain number of points per day)
How many points in a tossed salad?
(To keep your body in ketosis, very high protein intake with few carbohydrates allowed)
Almost no carbs allowed here so you best be testing insulin levels of your junk, pre-play. Also, put your foot down about the jacuzzi filled with heavy cream; it WILL curdle.
(Traditional diet in heart-healthy Mediterranean countries; emphasis on vegetables and healthy fats)
Make use of all that slip-slidey olive oil. Toss the chicken, marinate YOU.
(3-phase diet focusing on choosing “good” carbohydrates and fats over “bad”)
Mostly based on replacing “fast” carbs with unrefined, “slow” carbs. I get that you want to be able to go for a long time but after a while it’s basically a taffy pull. (And NOW you want taffy, which you can’t have. This is a disaster.)
(AKA “The Caveman Diet,” anything ancient man could hunt or gather; meats, fish, nuts, greens)
If you felt like Encino Man was a fine film, yet deserved more sex scenes, giddy up, this one’s for you.
CABBAGE SOUP DIET
(A week-long fast of eating almost exclusively cabbage soup)
I’m too sexy for your farts, too sexy for your farts, so sexxxxxyyyy it SHARTS.
BABY FOOD DIET
(Replacing 2 meals daily with homeade pureed baby food)
I can’t even stomach baby TALK.
(500 calories a day coupled with daily injections of the hormone HCG)
Ask yourself, about the person who is fine with injesting/injecting a hormone derived from the urine of pregnant women; What ELSE are you willing to do with urine? Maybe make a run for it on this one. Unless you’re into it. No judgement. (SO much judgement.)
I can’t even…
Until next time.
Post by Stephanie M. – firstname.lastname@example.org
Stephanie Mathless speaks mostly in unnecessary hyperbole. You can glean from her writing that she may very well have good taste but consciously chooses to ignore it.