I am from northeast Ohio and a Browns fan. That is a declarative sentence that says a lot about a person. Have you ever met a Browns fan outside of the comfy confines of Cleveland? It’s like seeing your childhood best friend that moved away in third grade. High-fiving a Browns fan on an elevator in Spokane, Washington was one of the top 5 moments of my life (please excuse how subtly sad that makes my life experiences though).
So, here we are once again, Draft day. The 1 day a year that Browns fans become optimistic (and not just faking it during another an abysmal 4-12 season). Draft Day in Cleveland is the 1 day a year we actually become peers with the other 31 NFL Teams. So, this is the year, right Browns fans? For us our stock will rise, and not just our laughing-stock. This is the year we say no to staph infections! This is the year we become relevant! This. Is. It. With 2 picks in the first round: pick 4 (from being terrible last season) and pick 26 (from being terrible at the draft game 2 years ago and pawning off Trent Richardson to the Colts for this pick); here we go! Who needs hardcore drugs to experience ultimate high and lows, paranoia and numbness!? Just being a Browns fan is good enough for this guy. So here is the 2014 NFL Draft, Round 1 Recap from a Cleveland Browns Fan.
Spoiler alert, I really really want Johnny Manziel in Cleveland (see why – link).
8:00pm – We are greeted with the likes of Chris Berman, Jon Gruden, Mel Kiper Jr. and Ray Lewis in the box, giving us an over-analyzed play by play of what is about to come. Ray Lewis and Chris Berman are beyond outmatched for this type of thing. Gruden is a freak of football knowledge and Mel Kiper Jr.’s one job for ESPN is to cover the draft. Why they just don’t have Todd McShay up there the entire time is beyond me.
8:04pm – The Draft has officially begun!
8:05pm – Roger Goodell enters and is mercilessly booed, mainly for the same reason people do the wave at sports game; everyone’s just playing follow the leader.
8:06pm – I’m already sick of Chris Berman. Hey Ray Lewis, any word on that suit you “lost” back in 2000?
8:15pm – The first pick is in. The Houston Texans select Jadeveon Clowney, DE/Freak, South Carolina. OK, good, Johnny Manziel is still on the board. He was a threat to go at number 1 to his home state Texans, but now that that’s over with I can grab another beer real quick.
8:16pm – Roger Goodell, AKA Mr. Super Hug, embraces the behemoth that is Clowney. Rumor is Goodell does 250 push ups every day just to maintain enough upper body and core strength to endure the grappling death hugs he takes part in each draft year.
8:22pm – The second pick is in. The St. Louis Rams select Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn. Psh, go ahead, take a lineman. You made your Sam Bradford bed years ago, now you have to lie in it. Manziel still alive, still kicking, still on his first water bottle of the night.
8:28pm – Our first Adam Shefter sighting. Hehe, he makes me giggle.
8:31pm – The Jacksonville Jaguars select Blake Bortles, QB, UCF. WHAT THE HECK! Where is a close-up of his smoking hot girlfriend? That’s what the people want. Where’s Brent Musberger when you need him? He sees the line of appropriateness and decides to broad jump across it (ie Katherine Webb).
OK, here it is. Everything has worked out just right for us Browns to finally turn our luck around. I mean all strategy aside, we have absolutely nothing to lose with actually taking a big name prospect! Nothing! In 300 voice “Take him, he’s yours.”
And, and, and, and……
We trade our pick to the Buffalo Bills. Completely flaccid once again. I hate you Browns. Worst part here, no one was surprised. That noise you just heard is every fan of the Cleveland Browns saying “Classic Browns move” all at once, in unison.
8:37pm – The Buffalo Bills select Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson. Solid pick by the ol’ Bills there. Nothing bad to say about Watkins; he’s big, fast and strong and the Browns would’ve been lucky to have him. Although I have been kindly (arrogantly) reminding folks all week that we once took the best receiver in the draft years ago and his name was Braylon Edwards.
Johnny Manziel is on his 4th bottle of water now.
8:42pm – Khalil Mack to the Raiders.
OK, now it’s starting to suck, the draft is becoming too long and depressing. I need something to get excited about.
8:44pm – Check Skip Bayless’ twitter feed and mock him.
8:51pm – Jake Matthews, OT Texas A&M to Atlanta
8:59pm – Mike Evans, WR Texas A&M to Tampa Bay
9:00pm – There’s another trade! There’s another trade! The Browns move up one spot! OK, so this seems obvious. I mean the Vikings want a QB sitting there at 9, so the Browns move up to grab our boy, Manziel! Hopefully, possibly! Here we go Brownies, here we go!
And the pick is in. With the 8th pick of the 2014 NFL Draft the Cleveland Browns select Johnnnnnnn…Justin Gilbert, *SG (some guy) from Oklahoma State? OK, well that was weird. Not sure what’s going on here. Are we sure someone just didn’t say they loved Sara Gilbert? Or were they referencing their favorite comic strip “Dilbert” and misspoke? ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Another beer.
9:09pm – Commercial break. Things to do: find baby, punch it out of frustration.
9:11pm – Anthony Barr, LB UCLA to Minnesota
9:14pm – Barry Sanders, who still looks like he could run for 1,000 yards, announces (after a quick Madden plug) that Eric Ebron TE, UNC is the player the Lions took.
9:22pm – Taylor Lewan, OT Michigan goes to Tennessee.
Now it’s just a dice game of wondering if Manziel is going to Dallas, Cleveland is just playing for 2017, or if that was actually a baby I punched and not a stuffed animal? Johnny Manziel is on his 11th bottle of water now.
9:29pm – The Giants take O’Delle Becham Jr. WR, LSU. This led to everyone discussing Eli Manning. Hehe, he makes me giggle too.
9:37pm – Aaron Donald, DT, Pitt to St. Louis.
9:44pm – Kyle Fuller, DB, VTech to Chicago.
9:47pm – Ryan Shazier, LB, OSU to Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh as a whole, is the worst thing in existence).
OK, Jerry World is up. Here we go. They’re going to take Manziel for sure. Jerry Jones cares about ticket sales, not championships. But, Romo is 34 and has like no internal organs or ribs left, so maybe they do actually need one.
9:53pm – Dallas takes Zach Martin, OT, Notre Dame. Suckers!
10:00pm – CJ Mosely, CB Alamabama to Baltimore.
10:09pm – Calvin Pryor, S Louisville to the Jets.
10:18pm – Jawuan James, OT UT to the Dolphins.
Another beer, another yawn, another head shake at Ray Lewis.
10:19pm – The Saints trade with the Cardinals. Hmm, interesting because Arizona could use a future quarterback. But their coach Bruce Arians is pretty old school and not into the camo cargo look that Manziel likes to sport, so by all means trade away!
10:25pm – Brandon Cooks, WR, Oregon State to New Orleans (to fill the void in Drew Brees’ heart that was left by the departing Darren Sproles).
10:34pm – Ha-Ha Clinton Dix, S Alabama to Green Bay. Any joke you could ever think of about his name has already been said. But, I’m going to try one. “He laughs in the 3rd person.”
10:36pm – THERE”S ANOTHER TRADE. THE BROWNS HAVE TRADED AGAIN! This time with the Eagles to move one spot ahead of the QB hungry Kansas City Chiefs.
What is happening? Up is down! Dogs living with cats, mass hysteria! This is it. I can feel it! The Browns decided to make a move. They decided to be an NFL team and take a gamble. Who cares that we also selected Brady Quinn and Brandon Weeden with the 22nd overall picks years ago. This could be Johnny Manziel!
10:43pm – With the 22nd pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select (I swear I saw a beautiful butterfly fly right in the room at this moment) Johnny Manziel, Quarterback, Texas A & M.
JOHNNY M***** F***** FOOTBALL! 6 to midnight, just like that! The Browns will win all Super Bowls from 2014 – 2028, no doubt! Johnny, put down your 17th bottle of water and get up there!! I am now winded from running up and down the stairs in pure jubilation. Wow, so this is what true love actually feels like? Here are the facts: The Browns needed him. The fans and the city deserved him. 2014 is going to be one hell of a ride! I now don’t care about picks 23-32. Seriously I don’t. End of article.
*Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State, welcome to Cleveland! Amazing player and we’re lucky to have you on the roster!
Post by Anthony F. – Twitter
Anthony Fanelli is an actor, writer, producer and comedian whose credits include NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS), How Superman Defeated the KKK (Discovery), My Haunted House (A&E), Black Water Vampire (feature film), Kidney & Apple (feature film), Spare Change (feature film), Little Knockers (funny or die exclusive), The Next Steps (funny or die), United Airlines, Chase Bank, Philips Norelco, Huffington Post/AOL, among much more. He has written and/or starred in over 150 live comedy shows (one-man shows, news parodies, improv, sketch). For more information, please visit his links: Professional Site, Funny or Die Page, IMDB, YouTube, FULL RESUME