Hey Cleveland Browns Management, how goes it? I know, right?! Tell me about it! It’s been a trying number of years for you as you’ve easily become the laughing stock of the NFL (est. 1999). All of the other teams seem to be taking your lunch money everyday and stuffing you into lockers. You’re not even the little brother anymore. You’ve somehow turned into the neglected child of the weirdo family next door that never, ever mows their lawn. Long story short, everyone is just kind of feeling bad for you. Think about it…no one hates the Browns. You either “love” them, “whatever” them, or “feel sorry” for them. However, not being hated is not necessarily a good thing. Hated teams are usually good and relevant teams (Steelers pop to mind right away).
But you can do something about it! All you have to do is draft the most electrifying, talented, hard-working quarterback to come out of the draft in many, many years: Johnny Manziel.
Now for all of those people out there who will kick and scream and say it’ll be a wasted pick…first of all, shut up. Seriously, go kick rocks and practice falling down for a bit. The Browns have absolutely nothing to lose whatsoever considering they have the same fan base whose pants got tighter when they managed to get Brady Quinn late in the first round back in 2007. You’re the same people who blame the corner for getting beat deep in Cover 2.
Now onto putting some of the fluffy anti-JF (Johnny Football) arguments put to rest, as well as all other reasons why the Cleveland Browns owe their fans Johnny Manziel.
Johnny Manziel Isn’t Tall Enough
OMG, did you hear that star quarterback Johnny Manziel isn’t a Tom Brady’esque 6’4″? He is only a solid, normal guy height of 6’1″ or so; unreal! He might as well be Kevin Hart out there! He’ll never, ever, EVER be able to complete a pass in the NFL. I mean look at current NFL shrimps Drew Brees (6’0″ max) and Russell Wilson (a generous 5’11”), those guys suck so bad! Guess what guys? The average height of Offensive and Defensive Lineman is just about the same in college as it is in the NFL. Most dudes aren’t getting taller at the age of 24. So by the transitive property, if JF is completing passes in college from the pocket then his vision is not going to be that big of an issue in the NFL.
OH AND ALSO, if height is such a big issue, why don’t the NFL geniuses just measure a quarterback from their release point with the ball, as well as their height from the eyes down. Doesn’t that just make sense? Peyton Manning may be a statue of a man at 6’5″ but he has a head like Pep Boy.
He Won’t Last (Size & Durability)
OMG, did you hear that Johnny Manziel is only like 210-220 lbs? What a little wiener kid! Dude’s going to get hurt like, #ALLTHETIME. First things first; if you have ever played a team sport ever in your life, then you know that there are people who get hurt and there are people who do not, plain and simple. That does not change on the professional level. It’s a weird thing, but that is 100% the case. There’s always going to be that kid on your 8th grade football team that “twists” his ankle all the time and then spends 2 days on crutches in school just so hot Claire will talk to him (I guarantee about 3 names just popped in your head). There’s just always going to be players like Danny Amendola.
This isn’t boxing people! You’re not getting punched in the face over and over by behemoths 100 pounds heavier than you. It’s all about angles and athleticism and being able to roll with getting hit. People get hurt in the NFL all the time, yes. However, football injuries are caused more so due to freak injuries like ACL tears, ankle sprains and so on. RGIII in his rookie season went down with a torn ACL. Every talking head blamed the fact that he was “exposed” and “running around too much.” However (realistically), he unfortunately took an unlucky helmet to the knee in one hit. It could happen to anyone.
Peyton Manning has had 4 neck surgeries and he never gets hit! Again, 4 NECK SURGERIES and he hasn’t left the pocket since Bill Clinton was in office. Same goes for the 5.5, 40 yard dasher Tom Brady. He is never exposed, but missed an entire season due to a freak accident (ACL tear). It has a lot less to do with your size than all talking heads seem to think. When was the last time you ever heard a player come off the field because they were getting hit too hard, too often? You don’t because this argument is stupid, over analyzed and should not even be up for discussion. Realistically, except for Michael Vick who leaves himself open to getting hit all the time (protects himself as well as Stallone in Rocky), people get hurt in the NFL for fluke reasons.
Concussions happen to giant guys and small guys alike. Unless your Barry Bonds, your head doesn’t gain any muscle the more you weigh. Ben Roethlisberger, who is basically the Undertaker playing quarterback, is always banged up; while the Giants’ Trindon Holliday, 5’5″ 170 lbs, stays upright and durable.
For those of you who have actually watched a full game of Manziel, not just his highlights but an actual full game; this guy follows his blockers better than any player on the college level; he is Earnhardt’esque in his “drafting” ability. He’s always been healthy, weighs 200+ pounds and is already wearing rib-pads, just in case. This dude gets it, so relax.
Did you see that one picture of Johnny Manziel at a bar? Drinking? Like a every other 21-29 year old on the planet would? For a second, imagine you became famous tomorrow and now every time you went anywhere, all 300 people who see you out that night are telling their family and friends they saw YOU! Not all 300 people are going to say the exact same thing. The kid is 21 years old. 21 year olds go to bars and hang out with friends. They basically do what Asher Roth told us they do. You don’t have to worry about him being Aaron Hernandez because that’s not going to happen.
Biggest take away from his off-the-field antics and celebrity status is that it in no way effected his on-the-field play at all (his passing game was somehow better the year after he won the Heisman) . If Lawrence Taylor can bang hookers, do cocaine all the time, come to meetings in hand-cuffs, and still become an NFL legend and Hall of Famer, everyone can just relax about Johnny Manziel drinking every now and then with his friends; especially in this day n’ age where every time he goes to Subway, it’s going to be TMZ’d.
When you get to the NFL, every player is great. Every one! Practice squad players are 100x the football player than you could ever imagine. These freaks of nature are playing the game of football professionally for lots and lots of money for a reason, they are the best in the world at it. It’s crazy to think that one team (represented by 31 NFL teams) can be so much better than any other one team (represented by the Cleveland Browns), but it’s true. The Browns need team moral more than anything at this time. They need the players to want and strive to play exceptionally well. They need a buzz around the city. Johnny Manziel would bring that and more. The Browns would become a hot button issue. The team would be talked about, the team would be analyzed, the team would have overly attractive female reporters come to Berea, OH during training camp to report on all that is Manziel. The world would actually find out how great some of their players are (Joe Thomas, Josh Gordon, Jordan Cameron, Joe Haden, Barkevious Mingo). Manziel could single-handedly help the Browns out of little brother status like LeBron did when he went to the Cavs. Speaking of LeBron, Manziel signed Maverick Carter (LeBron’s cousin, agent and fellow Akronite) as his agent. The fans of Cleveland deserve something to get excited about.
You think there’s better QBs out there? Are you basing this on what the hair, Mel Kiper Jr. said the other day? The same guy that predicted Jimmy “Typical Notre Dame Guy” Clausen would be the best quarterback of all time. Every year there’s a handful of quarterbacks that somehow go from unknown to top draft picks at the blink of an eye. This doesn’t happen at any other position, but quarterback is such a sexy position that people will over-analyze so much that they forget to actually just do what matters the most, WATCH THE TAPE. Watch an entire game of a player! Watch everything, not just stats; but how he talks to teammates, his demeanor, his “fire,” his everything. Manziel is the full package: he wants to play, he wants to win, he wants to compete. Jesus Chrimany, did you watch the Chik-fil-A Bowl Game with Duke?? That was so fucking-absolutely-unreal; especially for a “meaningless” game (in terms of JF’s legacy) that no one seemed to care about! He won that game more than any other player has won his team a game in a long, long time.
Every year there’s a handful of quarterbacks like Teddy Bridgewater (Louisville), Blake Bortles (UCF), David Fales (San Jose State), Derek Carr (Fresno State) and Tajh Boyd (Clemson) that the average fan will salivate over for no reason (ahem, Blaine Gabbert, Christian Ponder, the list goes on). Seriously, every year! One of the other quarterbacks from the 2014 draft class may be an outstanding player and future HOFer, all of them may be busts, some of them may be okay; but none of them can stand out from the rest like Johnny Manziel does. He’s a player that comes along once every 15 years.
Realistically a worst case scenario is that Manziel could transition to play Slot WR/PR/KR. That seems to have worked decent enough for players such as Julian Edelman and Josh Cribbs; two former Kent State quarterbacks whose QB skills couldn’t hold a candle to JFs.
Johnny Manziel’s stats speak for themselves. Two years ago the Browns decided to draft Trent Richardson, a running back not named Adrian Peterson, third in the draft. Third, for an Alabama running back. You could take any 1,500 yard rusher from high school, throw him behind an Alabama offensive line, and he’d rush for 1,000 yards as a freshman. You fired your last head coach after less than one full calendar year with the team. You’ve got problems, bro. So, do everyone a favor and DO NOT “Browns” this up. Do what you need to to draft Johnny Manziel.
So in closing and in the somewhat kind-of-words of the outdated pop culture reference from the NBC show Heroes: Draft the quarterback, save the Browns.
Post by – Anthony F.
firstname.lastname@example.org – follow him on twitter
Originally from Akron, OH, Anthony Fanelli is an actor, writer, producer and comedian whose credits include NCIS: Los Angeles (TV), How Superman Defeated the KKK (TV), My Haunted House (TV), Black Water Vampire (film), Kidney & Apple (film), Spare Change (film), Little Knockers (Funny or Die Exclusive Series), The Next Steps (Funny or Die Featured Series), United Airlines, Chase Bank, Philips Norelco, among much more. He has written and/or starred in over 150 live comedy shows (one-man shows, news parodies, improv, sketch). For more information, please visit his links: Professional Site, Funny or Die Page, IMDB, YouTube, FULL RESUME