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Bad Movie Review & Drinking Game: NICK FURY: AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

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Nick Fury title

“From one of the writers of Batman Begins”

  • Movie: Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.
  • Directors: Rod Hardy
  • Starring: David Hasselhoff, Lisa Rinna, Sandra Hess, Neil Roberts, Ron Canada
  • Rotten Tomatoes rating: none

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A Little Context

Marvel has come so far… Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. is a TV movie that was broadcast on Fox in 1998. At this point Marvel had just started what would become the current comic book movie boom they are largely responsible for. While some may say that for Marvel it began with X-Men in 2000, I would argue that the first movie demonstrating that a Marvel superhero can actually be done well was Blade–a movie released only a few months after Nick Fury, and written by the same guy, David S. Goyer. When you see both movies, however, it is shocking how different they are. Nick Fury feels 10 years older than it is, while Blade seems like it could have been released 5 years ago. The obvious difference of TV movie versus movie movie is a big factor, but I think this mainly shows how inconsistent Goyer is as a writer. Nick Fury isn’t good, and it certainly didn’t boost demand for more Nick Fury stuff. I think the current comic book movie landscape would have been very different today if Blade also hadn’t done well.

Take a look at this way-too-long trailer:

 The Film

As you’ve probably gathered, David Hasselhoff plays Nick Fury. The movie opens on a cryogenics chamber within Trinity Base. Soldier Number One starts to defrost what appears to be an old man. Thanks to Soldier Number Two and his exposition, we learn that this man is actually infamous Nazi and Hydra leader Baron von Strucker. Soldier Number One shoots Number Two and lowers the “defense grid” of Trinity Base and releases some kind of toxic gas into the base. Hydra shows up and they extract von Strucker. Solder Number Two survives the bullet and the gas and makes one last effort to stop Hydra but gets shot a little more in the process. As he’s dying he comes face to face with von Strucker’s daughter and main movie villain Andrea von Strucker (AKA Viper) and says–to her for some reason–“Nick take care of her.” Not “Nick will hunt you down” or “Nick will avenge me” or something else threatening and cool, but instead he says “Nick take care of her.” I don’t know.

Meanwhile, Nick Fury has been “put out to pasture,” which means that for several years he has been living in the Yukon in what appears to be an old mine. He likes being alone. Enter S.H.I.E.L.D. agents Contessa Valentina Allegra de Fontaine played by Lisa Rinna and Alexander Goodwin Pierce played by Neil Roberts (this is Robert Redford’s role in Captain America: The Winter Soldier interestingly enough). They’ve come to bring Nick back in as S.H.I.E.L.D.’s director. As you probably guessed, he’s not interested at first. Once he learns that Hydra is back and Baron von Strucker’s body was stolen, he accepts the offer. Let the fun begin.

Nick Fury is just various levels of frustrated throughout the movie.

It is first important to keep in mind that this is a movie written for TV. While I can’t really seem to find any indication that this was actually a pilot for a TV show, I imagine it would have to be. You’ll see why when you get to the end. Or the lack of one. The actual climax is so dull that it seems like it would be part of the rising action before the climax. And the final scene seems like it would be the scene before the actual climax. But nope. If you watch this movie without paying attention to the run time, you will be surprised by the credits. On the plus side, that kind of indicates that the movie doesn’t really feel long. Because it was written for TV, there is a very fast paced feel as every little between-the-commercial block needed to be interesting enough to keep you from changing the channel. Mission accomplished I suppose.

As you can probably imagine, the best part about Nick Fury is David Hasselhoff. It really seems like he loves this part. I imagine that’s why he overacts the hell out of this. Really putting as much emphasis as he can on his gruffness. You’ll see some very intense “what the hell are you talking about?” or “get a load of this guy” facial expressions. And get ready for a lot of cigar-in-mouth-but-i’m-still-going-to-talk-aggressively conversations. Unfortunately though the character quickly wears thin as the movie progresses due to his one-note personality. He’s the “surly and gruff but effective” hero. It was the 90s so I get it, but it’s not terribly fun to watch here. He’s not humble enough to you feel for, and he can’t be badass enough for you to really cheer any violence.  Instead you just kind of have this dull middle ground.

Villains

The supporting case is basically just there. Lisa Rinna plays Lisa Rinna with a leather jumpsuit. Neil Roberts is fairly entertaining as the awkward British guy. The villains aren’t as memorable as they should be. Sanda Hess as Andrea von Strucker really gives it a go, but the stakes aren’t really established enough for her to be compelling or threatening. Her character building is basically just “this is the villain.” Also…the accents are incredible. Things are either shot outside or on some underground industrial-looking set. The effects are all around hilarious. Overall everything just feels cheesy.

But Can I Drink To It?

Definitely. Compared to a lot of other shitty movies, Nick Fury is actually entertaining, despite the fact that interest will start to wain by the end.

Rules (to get you started)

1.  Nick Fury disapproves of something, either verbally or through facial expressions – DRINK for 3 seconds!

2.  Nick Fury inserts or removes a cigar from his mouth – DRINK for 5 seconds!

3.  “Let us rock! And let us roooollll!” – finish your DRINK!

4.  Exterior of crappy looking S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier and jets – DRINK for as long as they’re onscreen!

Sexual tension

I watched Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D on YouTube for free.  Or, if you’re a hardcore collector and have a lot of disposable income, you can buy the DVD on Amazon for $115. There is no 4K remastered blu ray unfortunately.

Enjoy!

Post by: Tyler P.

Tyler Phillippi is a former improviser and musician. Now, he mainly focuses on getting through his Netflix queue. Contact him at  tyler@smellthegrindstone.com

Bad Movie Review & Drinking Game: SLEEPAWAY CAMP

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“…you won’t be coming home!”

  • Movie: Sleepaway Camp
  • Director: Robert Hiltzik
  • Starring: Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten

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A Little Context

If you’re a slasher or horror movie fan and you’ve heard of Sleepaway Camp, then you know this movie is famous for its ending. I struggled a bit with labeling this a “bad movie” because it seems like it often gets a pass due to the ending alone. Rotten Tomatoes for example has it at 83%, but reviews are all recent, and aren’t shy to disparage the movie despite giving it a good score. Ultimately I decided that a memorable ending does not negate the shittiness that proceeds it. This movie without the last five minutes is very generic. Take a look at this trailer and you’ll see what I mean. If you didn’t know this movie even had a twist, let alone a good one, you’d probably pass right by it. Oh yeah, AVOID THE COMMENTS:

Released in 1983, at a time when slasher films were in the their heyday, Sleepaway Camp feels like an obvious attempt at cashing in on the craze. Eventually it becomes apparent that someone had a great idea for a payoff, and just needed another 80 minutes to make it a film. Five years prior to this, John Carpenter and Debra Hill wrote the amazing Halloween and the slasher boom began. While slasher movies existed before, many tropes common in films of this type originated here. In 1980, we had another trendsetter in Friday the 13th. By 1983, we had copies of copies with nothing new to say. Enough history, let’s jump into this…

The Film

Sleepaway Camp follows two children–Angela and Ricky. Due to events during the opening of the movie, Angela lives with her aunt Dr. Martha Thomas and cousin Ricky Thomas. She is quiet and introverted with poor social skills. In order to get her out of her shell, Angela, with Ricky, are sent to Camp Arawak for the summer. The camp is full of bratty and/or horny teens and preteens and creepy and/or uncaring staff. Overall, everyone kind of sucks it never really seems all that fun. But then suddenly–murder!

For a slasher film Sleepaway Camp isn’t particularly scary. It doesn’t really seem like it even tries to be. It doesn’t seem like a horror film. Which is either an interesting stylistic choice, or ineptitude. If you removed the murders this movie would appear to be a boring story about summer camp and teenagers trying to get laid or being mean to each other. Both of which you get a lot of. I appreciate the frankness of the dialogue as it does feel authentic, after all teens and preteens are pretty vulgar. Though there are definitely some awkwardly written lines that you will laugh at. I feel like a lot of modern movies and TV shows tend to shy away from this.

On the flip side of the “realism” however, is that this movie introduces some vulgar/creepy camp staff. One in particular is a chef who is an overt pedophile, and makes comments about children to other people. Apparently no one cares. The camp owner is an elderly gentleman that is looking to get with one of the much younger staffers. Overall, just be prepared for a sometimes-uncomfortable sexual element to this movie.

Besides slashers in general, there is one other movie that you can really draw some parallels to with Sleepaway Camp and oddly enough it’s Wet Hot American Summer. I don’t know if anybody involved in Wet Hot American Summer has ever credited Sleepaway Camp as an inspiration, but I am convinced that it was. For one, the fashion. What people are wearing looks like  a parody of the early 80s, but exaggerated to the point where if this movie were modern you’d say “there is no way they actually wore that.” White socks are pulled up. Shirts are very tight. Shorts are VERY short. One camp counselor in particular is basically always showing an outline of his penis. It seems strange to me that either in real life, or in the movie, someone wasn’t like, “hey, maybe you shouldn’t show your penis-outline to all these kids.”

1983!

Before I wrap this up I’d like to touch on something that I think the movie does well. Sleepaway Camp delivers some fairly satisfying deaths. Despite sometimes being somewhat uninspired (naked girl in the shower? really?), they manage to be pretty gruesome. This is due in large part to some pretty decent make-up effects. Again, I feel like there is something missing atmosphere-wise as the suspense never really lasts pass the scene itself. The fact that the camp staff is constantly hiding the deaths means there is no real suspense among the campers, which meant that I also didn’t really feel the tension build. At the end, when shit is going down, is the first time you really feel anxious. It’s a feeling I wanted through more of the movie.

Again, not to belabor the point, but this movie is ultimately all about the ending. I don’t know that it will really scare you, but it is one of the most interesting I’ve seen. And it will make you want to watch the movie all over again to look for the clues.

But Can I Drink To It?

Yes, definitely. This will be a fun movie to drink to and alcohol will make things that much better when shit goes down.

Rules (prepare to get hammered)

1. Whenever Angela doesn’t respond to someone – DRINK for 3 seconds!

2. Uncomfortably short shorts – DRINK for 5 seconds!

3. “wicked dump” – finish your DRINK!

4. If someone can guess by twist before the end, everyone else has to TAKE A SHOT! If not, everyone takes a shot.

Here is the edition I watched and where you can find it: Sleepaway Camp (Collector’s Edition) from Amazon for $25. It’s a pretty well put together package with some good special features. HOWEVER the entire movie is available on YouTube for FREE. So yeah, that’s a good option too.

Enjoy!

Post by: Tyler P.

Tyler Phillippi is a former improviser and musician. Now, he mainly focuses on getting through his Netflix queue. Contact him at  tyler@smellthegrindstone.com

Bad Movie Review & Drinking Game: HOWARD THE DUCK

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“More adventure than humanly possible”

 

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A Little Context

Almost immediately after the release of “Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi,” George Lucas has an idea. He spots a Marvel comic book called Howard the Duck and decides it needs to be on film. It seems obvious initially that the movie needs to be animated. However, the studio is contractually owed a live-action film. No problem! Lucas just worked on Star Wars, he can oversee this and make it work. At least that’s what I’m sure Marvel thought, which hadn’t seen one of their characters on the big screen since Captain America in 1944.

Take a look at this trailer:

Nailed it. Can you guess what the target audience for this movie is? It’s rated PG…but Howard’s favorite pastimes are “cigars and sex.” The movie stars a talking duck…and within the first 5 minutes you see a naked female duck with human-shaped breasts (complete with nipples). There appears to be some slapstick. I guess. Seeing this trailer, I would have no idea who this is aimed at. After having watched the film, I still have no idea and I don’t think anybody really thought about it.

The Film

What better place to start than with Howard himself? First and foremost, he’s not very likable. Nor is he unlikable to the point where he’s at least interesting. Instead, he’s just kind of… there. I can’t quite put my finger on why exactly, but for as much stuff as Howard does, he’s is just never really very compelling. Sometimes he seems street smart. Sometimes he’s the ignorant alien. Sometimes he’s sassy. But never so much of any one thing that I actually want to watch him onscreen. It’s easy to see why this film should have been animated. Even with the limitations of the suit/puppetry, and great voice actor would still be able to give Howard some personality. Instead, Chip Zien is just kind of dull. I don’t know who is actually to blame, but I’m not sure how this voice performance made it to the final cut.  The costume itself suffers from dead eyes. Sometimes Howard goes from an actor in a costume to a puppet, which is definitely noticeable and contributes to Howard seeming just a little off.

The stuff of nightmares

As I touched on before, one of the biggest issues with this movie is tone. In the “Howard the Duck” comic, Howard is an asshole. The movie only just barely flirts with this. Instead, he’s occasionally just kind of sassy. This change would be fine, but it also seems like they couldn’t quit commit to a younger audience. As I said earlier, we get some human breasts on a duck in the bathtub. Lea Thompson seriously puts the moves on Howard. He smokes. He’s not particularly lovable. I just don’t get why someone didn’t really notice this. Or didn’t care.

Surrounding Howard is a pretty strong supporting cast who, despite the script, are really trying. I mean seriously, Lea Thompson deserves an Oscar. I’ve never felt worse for an actress than when she had to seduce a man in a duck costume. Never in this movie does she phone it in. Tim Robbins plays a scientist friend of Lea Thompson, who is stereotypically dorky. And like Lea Thompson he really goes for the gold here. I’m sure if this movie wasn’t led by George Lucas, both actors would have been able to spot this dud. The villain in this movie is played by the always reliable Jeffrey Jones.

Yep, that’s Tim Robbins

But Can I Drink To It?

Yes, for sure. Despite being about 30 minutes longer than it should be, “Howard the Duck” is a pretty good bad movie. Seriously though, almost two hours?!

Rules

1. “Ducky” – DRINK for 3 seconds!
2. Someone under reacts or just thinks Howard is wearing a costume – DRINK for 5 seconds!
3. DRINK whenever you feel bad for Lea Thompson!
4. Human breasts on a female duck – FINISH your drink!

Here is the edition I watched and where you can find it: Howard the Duck on Amazon Instant for $3-4 depending on quality. It’s also available on DVD for $10.

Enjoy!

Post by: Tyler P.

Tyler Phillippi is a former improviser and musician. Now, he mainly focuses on getting through his Netflix queue. Contact him at  tyler@smellthegrindstone.com

Bad Movie Review & Drinking Game: SAMURAI COP

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Samurai Cop title

“You have the right to remain silent…dead silent”

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A Little Context

After “Things” I wanted to get back to the classic B-grade action movie. I think most people have seen at least a few 80’s action movies. There are awesome ones like “Die Hard” and “First Blood” but there are quite a bit more of the cheesy-but-awesome variety. I’m talking “Commando,” “Cobra,” and “Bloodsport.” Trying to capitalize on the fighting-and-guns craze is a little gem called “Samurai Cop.”

Take a look at this trailer:

The Film

Let’s start with the characters in this movie. Did you notice the guy in the trailer with the big jaw and the beard? That’s Robert Z’Dar. Despite getting top billing Robert is not the movies long-haired hero. That honor goes to Matt Hannon, he plays samurai cop Joe Marshall. Joe is a super cop who is skilled with a gun, with his fights, and with katanas. He also has amazing hair and an unreal ability to pull in ladies. Also, no shorts for him, he likes to swim in speedos. Basically, he is THE man. His partner is cool-black-guy Frank Washington. While good with a gun, Frank’s role seems mainly to exists so the camera has someone to cut to when Joe hits on or gets hit on by a woman, or just does anything particularly awesome. And speaking of, this movie cuts to Frank a shocking number of times. Frank is often in the center of the frame and occasionally looks directly into the camera when delivering his reaction face. It’s bizarre.

Samurai Cop Joe

Samurai Cop Joe Marshall… just look at that hair

Joe is brought in all the way from San Diego to fight a dangerous LA-based Japanese gang. I had to look it up afterwards but apparently the gang’s name is actually Katana, which is weird. I suppose it would seem exotic if no one knew Japanese, but considering everyone is either Japanese for familiar with Japanese culture, naming the gang what is essentially “Sword” seems lazy. The movie climaxes in a katana showdown between Joe Marshall and Yamashita (played by Robert Z’Dar). Fortunately for Joe Marshall, and for the audience, gang members aren’t afraid to get into one-on-one martial arts duels. There is nothing really of note here about the plot. It is extremely generic and predictable. However, if you want to sit down and watch an 80’s action movies, this tends not to be a concern.

Like a lot of B movies, what really stands out here is execution. The best way I can describe the feel of this movie is that it seems like some kind of old foreign martial arts movie dubbed in English, except “Samurai Cop” isn’t foreign. The dialogue sounds like it was dubbed later. Sound effects are comical and poorly mixed. The dialogue itself is often campy and unrealistic. Which should be very clear from the trailer.

Samurai Cop bad guys

“The Boss”

The visual aspects of the film are also clumsily done. Actors are often too low in the frame. Or too close to the camera. The car chases are very obviously sped up. As I mentioned before, for some reason Joe’s partner Frank is cut to A LOT for no longer than a second. Basically just to get a “I can’t believe it!” reaction face. Another interesting aspect of the film is the frequent nudity. Three different people get sex scenes. And they’re all uncomfortable. Not as bad as “The Room,” but they certainly aren’t sexy.

Bottom line: this movie has it all.

But Can I Drink To It?

Yes, definitely. “Samurai Cop” is a fantastic bad movie. Highly recommended, especially in a party setting.

Rules

  • “the boss” – DRINK for 3 seconds!
  • someone looks into the camera (probably Frank) – DRINK for 5 seconds!
  • Un-sexy sex scene – DRINK for as long as it’s awkward!
  • Stereotypical gay waiter is stereotypical – FINISH your drink!
MV5BMTI5MzY0MzY5OF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNjE2NzUyMQ@@._V1_SY317_CR4,0,214,317_AL_

Nothing in this movie looks like this. The cover of the Special Edition DVD is equally unrelated.

Here is the edition I watched and where you can find it: Samurai Cop on Amazon Instant for $2. It’s also available on DVD for $10.

Enjoy!

Post by: Tyler P.

Tyler Phillippi is a former improviser and musician. Now, he mainly focuses on getting through his Netflix queue. Contact him at  tyler@smellthegrindstone.com

Bad Movie Review & Drinking Game: THINGS

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  • Movie: Things
  • Director: Andrew Jordan
  • Starring: Barry J. Gillis, Amber Lynn, Doug Bunston, Bruce Roach
  • Rotten Tomato Rating: none

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A Little Context

If “The Room” is the band selling out arenas, “Things” is the band playing in the basement of your favorite dive bar. Actually, it is the band playing in the dumpster at your local dive bar. “Things” is the bottom of the bad movie barrel.

“Things” is the product of Canada’s own Barry J. Gillis and Andrew Jordan. The two met in high school and bonded over an issue of Fangoria magazine. And again, like “Birdemic,” this movie almost seems too bad. More than just low quality cameras and effects, it seems absurd that anyone would have sat bad and said “yep, it’s finished.” However, it doesn’t take much research to learn that this is movie is the real deal.

I know I said in my “Birdemic” review that it “might be the most poorly made movie I’ve ever seen” but it turns out I spoke way too soon. Shockingly, “Things” was actually filmed for about $25,000 more than than “Birdemic” and I’ll touch on that later.

Take a look at this NSFW (nudity and gore) trailer:

Our hero

The Film

First of all, a little film terminology lesson for those that may not know. “B movie” or “B grade movie” is a fairly common idea, even to those who may not have seen many. Movies of this caliber, despite some bad or campy elements, generally display some level of awareness or production value.  From there we devolve into C movies and, at the bottom of the ladder, are the Z movies. Movies in this circle of hell are poorly written, poorly acted, poorly shot, poorly edited, actors might look into the camera, actors might seem to be reading cue cards, the story probably doesn’t make sense, and, in many cases, contains significant levels of gore and/or sexuality. “Things” pretty much has it all.

There is a story here but to say it’s vague it putting it lightly. It appears to revolve around a man who, in his efforts to reproduce, is resorted to some kind of demonic or evil experimentation. The result is the birth of some kind of weird spider-meets-Alien-facehugger creatures that infest the house. Bottom line is that it’s confusing and even the Wikipedia synopsis is only two sentences long. There also appears to be a group of people who are involved in routine murder, which I’m guessing is related to these experiments, although the group is never really explained and we only see a couple of them once. Anyway, our protagonists arrive at this house to hang out and shit starts to go down. Also, we get random cutaways to some sort of news broadcast seemingly filmed at a pawn shop.

Things newscast

the news

It’s fairly obvious with movies like this that the story is just a simple bridge to the gory action shots. Like porn, the story doesn’t really matter. Which is fine. What is strange though is that “Things” actually appears to try really hard to tell some sort of story. Certain scenes and conversations seem to function as a way to build character or suspense. The problem is that the film is so poorly executed that these building scenes are mind numbing. Conversations are long, awkward, and unnatural. Small rooms and hallways are searched for way to long that suspense turns into me shouting “the room is obviously clear, keep going!” at my TV. Wherever they’re filming is obviously tiny and they really tried to make it seem like you couldn’t quickly search this house in about 60 seconds . Shots tend to feel extremely claustrophobic suggesting that there just isn’t room to back the camera up.

The practical effects are not great. I commend them for trying but  it seems like they could have spent their money a little differently to more effectively use the gore. Also, it seems like a large portion of their budget went to hire “porn queen” Amber Lynn to play a small part as a newscaster. I know hindsight is 20/20 but rather than pay her for probably a minute worth of screen time, it seems to me that a smarter decision would have been to use the money for more effects. Though who knows, maybe her name on the VHS box got a lot of people to check the movie out. I would imagine, however, that gore is a good enough selling point on its own. These little news breaks add nothing, and in some cases make reference to better horror movies you’ll wish you were watching.

I could go on and on about this but I think you get the idea. “Things” is everything you normally wouldn’t want a movie to be. Which, for our purposes, means it’s basically perfect. Pure Z movie goodness.

But Can I Drink To It?

Yes,  you will have to. Audience response to this is probably going to be all over the place, as the pendulum swings from funny to frustrating, but no one will forget the experience.

Rules

“Out” or “About” said in that Canadian way – DRINK for 3 seconds!

Cut to the news broadcast – DRINK for 5 seconds!

Puking scene – DRINK for as long as it’s occurring!

Whenever a character drinks and then finishes a beer, you must drink and finish a beer. Also, take a shot of whiskey when the character drinks whiskey (you’ll only need one shot).

Amazing

Here is the edition I watched and where you can find it: Things DVD for $20 (but most likely discounted). Digital availability is probably not good.

Additional viewing

Here is Barry J. Gillis talking about Things on TV from before the film’s release. Here is another little factoid to add some icing on the cake: the movie was originally promoted with a budget of $350,000 as a way to drum up interest. I imagine it was immediately apparent that this movie cost nowhere near that amount.

Enjoy!

Post by: Tyler P.

Tyler Phillippi is a former improviser and musician. Now, he mainly focuses on getting through his Netflix queue. Contact him at  tyler@smellthegrindstone.com

Bad Movie Review & Drinking Game: BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR

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A Little Context

This might be the most poorly made movie I’ve ever seen, just to get that out there up front. I think the biggest reason why I didn’t like “Snakes On A Plane” was that it seemed to wink a little too hard at the audience. You can’t force a bad movie, you need to get the sense that someone genuinely tried. That’s what makes them so great. Someone really tried. “Birdemic” is so terribly constructed that I’ve known people to think it is intentional–that there is no way anyone would ever say to themselves “yep, it’s finished.” Unfortunately, we’ll never really know if James Nguyen is sincere when he says it’s a real attempt.

For his sake, “Birdemic” is, at best, a masterclass in the fake bad movie–and he accomplished it with a budget 3000 times less than “Snakes On A Plane. And, at worst, it may very well be the worst movie of all time.

Take a look at the trailer:

Did you catch the quote from “IMDB User Review”? Did you see “Master of the Romatic Thriller(tm)? Yep, that’s a legal trademark.

Totally real birds

The Film

“Birdemic” focuses on software engineer Rod and fashion model Nathalie. The two former classmates bump into each other years later and begin dating. Unbeknownst to the couple, strange things start going on around them, things that would indicate something is off in the environment. Birds are dying, polar bears are dying–scary stuff. The two decide to take their relationship to the next level and have sex at a hotel (for some reason). They wake up the next day to find all hell has broken loose–birds are attacking their town. Birds with powers such as exploding and acid spitting.

In case you couldn’t tell, this movie’s budget was just under $10,000. I think when you consider that fact, it becomes obvious that this film is indeed authentically bad. If “The Room” was an effort by an incompetent filmmaker that wasn’t limited by budget (“The Room” cost $6 million to make), then “Birdemic” is an effort by an incompetent filmmaker with a microscopic budget.

Kudos to James Nguyen for actually making a film that cheaply. That being said, there are a lot of problems with the movie that I would have thought you could fix in editing, regardless of your budget. Let’s take an example from early in the film: Rod walking down a sidewalk. Even if you haven’t really thought about it, I think most people understand that a long, multiple-angle shot of someone walking is probably done in segments–especially depending on the number of cameras you have. The actor walks a little bit, they movie the camera, the actor walks a little more, etc. To make these shots seamless, you would edit out the frames of film where the actor actually starts moving. The end result is one continuous shot of someone walking and, despite the changing camera angles, there is continuity to his walk. Basic stuff here. This movie fails at that.

Next up: sound. It’s fairly obvious that the microphones used on this movie were fairly low quality. It sucks, but I understand. What I don’t understand is the kind of stuff that should have been fixable with any kind of editing software. I wanted to include a drinking rule where you had to drink every time you heard absolute silence between talking, but you’d be passed out within 20 minutes. Also, be prepared to either not really hear something, or jump from how loud certain things are.

Smooth

One of the most glaring aspects of the film from the trailer is the awfulness of the special effects. They’re so bad that it does call into question how intentional the bad really is in “Birdemic.” It appears as though someone found some kind of stock gif of an eagle, cut it out, and just pasted into the film. Nothing reacts to anything. Birds are repeated within the same frame. Lighting doesn’t match the scene. It really does just look like the bird animations were done separately, and then just stuck into the movie. A little digging revealed that apparently the film’s director James Nguyen contracted a special effects guy to make the birds for the film. However, because Nguyen never actually paid the guy, he just used placeholder effects for the final version. True or not, the director has stated in an interview with Vice that the eagle and vulture effects were done for “a few hundred bucks.” It certainly shows.

As the film is a morality tale, it is littered with messaging. Rod drives an environmentally friendly car (a Ford Mustang), “An Inconvenient Truth” is mentioned, solar power is talked about, “give peace a chance,” etc. etc. And it of course ends on an attempt at poignancy that ends up just being confusing.

But Can I Drink To It?

Yes. In fact, you can rest assured knowing that any drinking rule you can come up with will probably be extremely successful.

Rules

Anytime Rod messes up a word or doesn’t react to something – DRINK for 3 seconds! (sorry)

“Imagine Peace” – DRINK for 5 seconds!

Awkward board room clapping – DRINK for as long as it’s occurring! (sorry)

“Hanging out with my family” scene – DRINK/CHUG a full beer!

Who will survive?

Here is the edition I watched and where you can find it: Birdemic: Shock and Terror blu ray for $30 (but most likely discounted for quite a bit), but I would recommend finding it digitally for cheaper.

Enjoy!

Post by: Tyler P.

Tyler Phillippi is a former improviser and musician. Now, he mainly focuses on getting through his Netflix queue. Contact him at  tyler@smellthegrindstone.com

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