*The Chronicles of Chicago’s “Jim Morrison” follows the local shithead and non-poet’s random, annoying adventures around the city…
After watching Adam Richman, host of the Travel Channel’s “Man v. Food” series, slay 3 overstuffed sandwiches to eat his way into Lucky’s Sandwich Company’s Hall of Fame, local shithead and non-poet Jim Morrison took it upon himself to throw down his own eating challenge this past Sunday afternoon. Continue reading
Decked out in dress pant sweatpants and hemp hoody, the perpetually hungover and Forever 27 shopper made his first stop at the Burger King located at Irving Park and Clark Ave. where he noticed they were running a “2 for $5” Mix and Match Deal. Burger King proprietor and degenerate gambler Scott Stephens didn’t believe his ears when he heard the Lizard Man’s order.
“I remember this scraggly, sad looking gentleman with a faux baritone asking for 4 Whoppers with cheese and 2 Original Chicken Sandwiches and a stopwatch. The stopwatch piqued my interest,” recalled Stephens.
After persuading an older gentleman (who demanded to remain nameless) who had been sipping coffee for the past 4 hours to be timekeeper, the local dingbat announced to the 8 other Burger King patrons that he would eat all 6 sandwiches within a half-hour and eat his way into Burger King’s Ultimate Eating Hall of Fame.
“Are you with me BK?!! Time to break on through!,” proclaimed the 27 year old plasma donor and non-competitive eater.
Loreda Pasqua, 15-year old high school student and soft drink novice, witnessed the so-called “challenge.”
“He kept pumping his arms up and down and at one point dipped his Whopper into his Dr. Pepper. He is so nasty. The best part was when my friend Smiley went behind his back and acted all crazy. Smiley is so stupid sometimes,” explained Pasqua.
As the inattentive crowd went back to their respective meals and conversations, the swollen-faced whip-it huffer would spout out descriptions of the sandwiches such as…
“Oh man. You’ve got that tangy mayo mixed in with the sharpness of the cheddar and the saltiness of the beef mixed in with the sweet and savory of the pickles and ketchup. Wow. This is one whopper of a sandwich. Yeah, you can say I love it two times! Check it – 6 times!”
Upon finishing his 3rd Whopper with cheese, the $72 a month XSport Fitness member and never gym-goer, gave up on the challenge accusing owner Scott Stephens of making the beef patties larger after they placed a $20 bet.
“What can I say? He still left with 3 Whoppers, but it only cost him some $40 odd bucks! Sometimes you’ve gotta take those five to one odds,” chuckled the weasly Stephens.
Post by Brendan H. Here’s his Twitter